He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
