He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
