i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
