How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
