I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
