you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
