I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
