We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
