All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
