I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Those nachos came to me in a dream
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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