I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
