i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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