Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
