i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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