I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
