Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
