Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
