My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
