I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
