i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
