My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
