Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You may now shotgun with the bride
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
