I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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