Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
