i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
