i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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