There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
