I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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