Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
