why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
