I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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