I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
