There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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