just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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