Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
