Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
