in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
