Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
