Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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