Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
