Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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