And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
