hotel room ftw
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
