I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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