turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
