arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Shame is for Republicans.
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