i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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