I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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