how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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