I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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